Unlearning Feminism

I haven't arrived at all my conclusions of unlearning the typical and common feminism I absorbed out of my anger against sexism, but I keep observing. I keep asking questions and questioning myself. I keep listening, even to understand perspectives I don't agree with, and I also give myself opportunity to disagree with some of my concrete beliefs and values. This is not to say that feminism is bad or that it hasn't been effective to some extent. I am just at the point whereby I have reached a climax with it and wish to descend from my defensive high horse to see a new perspective.

Very recently, I have drawn back from approaching everything with a feminist viewpoint to observe and be objective. I have not been reading feminist books, but I am continually reading articles that are feminist content at least twice per week to ensure that I am learning something which enhances or challenges my prior knowledge. The more I do this, the more I realize that I disagree with the feminism I once believed in.

When I first became a feminist just vaguely educated about the topic, it was because I was angry at sexism and the patriarchy going on, but the more I read and researched, the more I realized that I would need more than anger to enjoy and use my feminism for any good. In this post, I will discuss three things that I once believed as a feminist that I no longer agree with.

Let’s start with gender roles. I used to think that gender roles were bad, mostly because they were constructed in a way that benefits men more and puts them in leadership roles. The early feminist in me would have jumped on the wagon that believes gender roles should be eliminated. Now, I think otherwise.

I now believe that relationships are structured on expectations, and successful relationships can be rooted in two people who can agree to meet each other's expectations. I think the division of roles or construction of gender roles should be a unique experience per relationship, and the society or even feminists will be doing themselves a disadvantage by eliminating or shaping gender roles to become one size fits all. The same gender roles feminist diminish provided societal order and a family structure that many have benefited from.

So, if in my relationship, my lover and I decide that he should take out the garbage while I do the laundry, simply because he has more physical strength as a male and I have a better sense of order as a female, there is nothing wrong with it. As long as it is what we have agreed to and it in no way puts either of us or anyone else in physical, emotional, or psychological harm, such gender role assignment or structure should be respected for us as it would be praised if it were the reverse.

Second, I no longer believe in the idea that men, patriarchy, and sexism are the problem of women or the most significant reasons for women’s setbacks. I think women too can be their own problem and by intentionally failing to realize hindsight towards how we can be our problems as well, is an issue of its own. My big aha moment regarding this was listening to an interview with Jordan Peterson, the author of 12 Rules for Life. In that interview, he talked about how sexism is just one of many reasons women have career setbacks. So, even if we fix sexism and fail to address these other reasons, women won't be as significantly prosperous as men.

I am currently taking a class titled "Gender Issues in The Workplace" and recently we evaluated how women, just by childbirth have a period of financial and career setback that men don't have. Especially in African feminism, we often discuss critical feminist issues, appraising women for their child-bearing and rearing strength but ignoring this. This is not to say that women are making poor choices for having children.

I have a friend who had a child recently and had to step off school for a minute. In our conversation, she mentioned how she might have felt left behind. Now using my new knowledge I explained to her that she is losing time right now, but in the future when she doesn't have to deal with childbirth or child-rearing and all of us who speed through school do, she will be earning money and career opportunities that we will be losing. Taking the "Gender Issues in The Workplace" class opened my eyes to how it is a lose-lose situation and how as a female, one has to think thoroughly about what they are willing to compromise and when.

Third, I don't believe that feminism is the only solution to women's problems or the sexism that they face. It can inspire solutions, lead and gather discussions of solutions, and speed up solutions but it isn't the only answer to help address women's setbacks in our communities. Additionally, feminism and the European structure of feminism is quite useless or very minimally useful in solving issues that women face in many non-European societies.

Sometimes, when I attain another significant milestone or help someone to achieve something great, I question the role of my feminism. I evaluate what factors led to such success and now imagine other female leaders who ordinarily out of professionalism or sheer kindness have attained similar or more significant milestones. Then, I think of how we idolize and cage them with feminism, ignorant of the strategies and business technicalities they used, and wonder why the same isn't happening for us who only believe in feminism.

As part of the introductory material in the "Gender Issues in the Workplace" class, we reviewed top women leaders and analyzed how they got to their current positions. While without doubt, many of them benefited from feminist outcomes like affirmative action and the right to vote or even the opportunity to be educated, going forward from that point, there was more to do with professionalism, sponsorship, passion, education, personal sacrifices etc. to attain their goals. 

I haven't arrived at all my conclusions of unlearning the typical and common feminism I absorbed out of my anger against sexism, but I keep observing. I keep asking questions and questioning myself. I keep listening, even to understand perspectives I don't agree with, and I also give myself opportunity to disagree with some of my concrete beliefs and values. This is not to say that feminism is bad or that it hasn't been effective to some extent. I am just at the point whereby I have reached a climax with it and wish to descend from my defensive high horse to see a new perspective.

I am also questioning why people are quick to cage even common sense or humanitarian solutions to be "feminist" especially when the lack of feminism wouldn't have made any difference.
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My most recent quest has been learning and acknowledging women’s privileges in different contexts. I am unlearning my belief that women are always gender victims and desire to discover what in heaven has always been right for women.