PS. Read this post aloud for full effect. You might crack up with laughter in between but continue reading...
Fat! It weighs heavy in my mouth like the additional slices of crackers with gently laid cream cheese, and jam I swallow at 2:03 am, after promising that the previous and the previous would be my last piece.
Every time I look at the mirror and grab my fat belly admirably and unapologetically saying that I love it, it feels like I am offending someone else.
Why do I have to say fat “unapologetically?”
I want to tell my friends to stop correcting my words as a way of proving support or empathy every time I say, “I look fat.”
“Oh, stop kidding! You are not fat. I am fat.” They say, as though there is an Olympics of fat acknowledgment they must win.
I do not understand when my co-worker rants to me that she “feels fat?” How is being fat a feeling? – Well, I ask that in my head but do not say anything. I am guilty of saying that too – #feelingFat.
I convince myself that it is muscle I am gaining, especially when I go to the gym just to feel better about having a little fat.
There are days when I want to say “I want to be fat” without having to add “just a little bit” like a period concluding such sentences and I want it to sound complete and acceptable the same way “I want to be thin” tantalizes people’s ears.
Fat. It amuses me how people like to be selectively fat. You tell someone they have a fat belly and it sounds like an insult, but you tell them they have a fat ass and that may be the best compliment they’ll receive for a while.
Fat. It sounds better when I say that “I am thick,” doesn’t it? Like the police of fat appropriation will punish you for calling things as they are. Same way you’ll like “chubby babies” over fat ones.
It curls underneath the carpet of my tongue every time I see another social media post or magazine or mall section with “plus-sized models.” I wonder if it never occurs to these marketers to say “subtracted-sided models” or “skinny models” when they introduce the “normalized body-type species.” Why do they have to say “plus-sized” as if to red carpet our imagination of what to expect.
I also wonder if it is sheer ignorance that the fashion industry doesn’t say much about male “plus-sized models” or if the passion for confidently being fat is exclusive to female models only.
Fat – on social media, I see many write about it like it’s a foreign language you need to translate to cute convenience – Phat.
Now, I want to be the type of fat I thought I was when I was skinny but thought that I was fat. I know that I will wish this again sometime in the future.
I think I am submitting to loving my fat because I am becoming more unwilling to change it and give up what comes with unloving it.
Fat. This word swallows my tongue, and that to be, or to acknowledge it as some form of bravery… I think not.
I take another slice of crackers. I spread a thin layer of cream cheese on it. I spread a thin layer of jam on it. I take another slice of crackers and place it on top like a sandwich. This would be the last one, I promise. I think that if it never occurs to me to think or talk about being skinny, anytime I drink a cup of water, why does fat want to be acknowledged so bad?
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© Oyindamola Shoola 2020