​Let’s Be Honest – You didn’t achieve that goal you set in January!

Sometimes, I could be a serial goal non-achiever, and honestly, it isn't something I am ashamed of. At the beginning of every year, I set goals because “that’s what I am supposed to do” and because “everybody is doing it” – but at the end of the year, chances are that I wouldn’t have achieved up to a quarter of the things on the list. I pretend that maybe it is something I did wrong that led to such outcome – perhaps I didn’t pray hard enough or make enough effort towards achieving such goals, or maybe I set the wrong goals. I also pretend that next year January, I will do the same damn thing and miraculously, achieve all the things on my list. I even go the extra mile of making excuses for God, such as that “it is not God’s timing for me” or that “God has better plans for me” to feel better about the goals I wrote down and failed to achieve.

Can you relate? Probably yes and before you jump off the hook of this post, read the whole thing, trust me, there is a good ending to it!

I often make the joke that I start my year around March and end in November, later and earlier than everyone else. It is a joke, but it’s a serious one – that way, I can pretend that these year ending/starting shenanigans people are all wrapped up about plus valentine’s day doesn’t exist in my dictionary.
 
Early this year, I made a different effort to observe two male friends whom I have severally accused of having the guts not to set goals or have any anticipation towards the year. These two "gutful" people are ones that I consider highly successful to a fault, and I was just curious as to how they found life meaningful not falling into that year-end/start goal-setting pressure. So, I decided to join the gang. I did the regular write down five goals thing required at one of my social groups (church), submitted the paper there, and deleted the goals from my memory and computer. Then, decided to live freely throughout the year just addressing my daily tasks one at a time. Here are some things and lessons I realized from this experience;

• Redefining Goal Setting: Throughout the year, I realized that my definition of successful goal setting became action-based than outcome-dependable. Instead of saying – I will save x amount by the end of the year, I said I would work extra hours and apply to more scholarships this year. So, my focus on the action removed the pressure I would have felt from achieving or failing to achieve the outcome. Additionally, at the end of the year, instead of first asking myself if I saved x amount of money, I will ask myself more questions like “Did I work more hours and apply to more scholarships?” “Of what I earned, how much was I able to save?” “What obstructions hindered me from saving?”

So think of it as this:
Action to the Best of My Ability + Outcome = Success Success
Action to the Best of My Ability (No Outcome or Poor Results) = Good Success
 

• Outcome Flexibility: I began to give myself outcome ranges instead of fixed numbers or achievements, then move the ranges as I saw fit. For example, when I set a goal to complete my grad school applications, I started by saying “I will complete my application to about six schools.” When I finished achieving that goal earlier than expected, I reset the goal and said “I will complete about ten school applications.” Note that I didn’t focus on the number of admissions I want to get but the number of schools I want to apply to (action, not outcome). In a financial example, for those who like to focus on outcomes, instead of saying I will save $10,000 – I would instead give myself a forgivable worst-case scenario and say, I will save between $6,000 to $10,000 this year.

 

• This next tip may sound mean but trust me on it. Shut Up About Your Goals Sometimes Until You Achieve Them! In the past, I would advise otherwise and there are actually benefits to talking about your goals TO THE RIGHT PEOPLE. But when you are surrounded by people with negative energy who wouldn’t contribute anything other than fear, doubt, or pressure without support, you need to shut up about the goal until you achieve it or until you are in the best environment around the right people to speak about it. Don't feel the need to talk about your goals to the wrong people - family members included, just to prove to them that you are doing something meaningful with your life. Not telling people about some goals also relieves you of the pressure of having to tell them if you didn’t achieve it. While this may be good the flip side is this – telling the right people about your goals helps you to be accountable towards achieving it. Avoid having diarrhea of the mouth about your goals to the wrong folks.

 

• Realizing that a day at a time makes the whole year meaningful: So, I took my eyes off the entire year and began to set daily goals in form of actions. I realized that it gave me joy to check off lists at the end of each day and then created a post-it on my laptop where I schedule things, including appointments, applications, assignments, etc. For me, if I successfully checked off my goals daily, not quitting in between or skipping more than two days in a row, then I have had a successful year.

 

• Honesty: I became honest that these annual year-end/start goal setting shenanigans wasn’t working for me. I realized that I wasn't maximizing my mindset about myself or about goal-settings and success by writing a list of five things I want to accomplish at the beginning of every year. It just wasn't working for me and I wanted to be at peace with that conclusion. I also became honest about the jealousy I felt for those it was working for. I remember one time, two of my friends got to a selective round for a scholarship I had applied for. I was jealous and furious that “why not me too?” I remember telling my sister how I felt honestly saying that “misery loves company, so I am jealous of them” and she responds with “have you considered praying for them?” Trust me – that helped. I didn’t ignore or rebuke my jealousy, and I committed to praying hard for them, which again relieved me from focusing on my goals or its outcome to focusing on an action that helped me and others.

 
I will put a lot of effort into this next point because it is one of my biggest pet peeves.

• Surviving other people’s testimonies: I remember early last year in a social group I was in, how disgusted I felt that the person leading us that day wouldn’t shut up about how she attained all her life’s dreams which she wrote on a sheet of paper at the beginning of the year – getting a degree, getting married, then pregnant, and buying a house. Whew, chille! While I tried to understand her achievements and be happy for her or consider that the topic for the week was goal-setting, I couldn’t help the disgust I felt within that she constantly rubbed it in our faces as though those that didn’t set goals were some people automatically failing at life. The worst thing was that I knew, if I asked this same person to inform me of the steps she took to achieve that goal, she would say to me “I set the goal, I prayed – left it all to God, and it came to pass.” Bruh! I want to know things like what Real Estate Agent helped you find the perfect house. I want to know where you work and what you did to get that kind of job etc.

 
The disgust I felt informed me of how to deal better with others when telling them about my goals and how to shut up about my goals or achievements if it wasn’t necessary information for the conversation or didn’t contribute in any way to the other person’s life. An example is my work with students at a college. During my meetings, instead of just telling them I achieved this and that, I ensure that I create a to-do list for them with the websites I went to find resources. I assist them with editing their essays, sit with them to review their applications before submissions, and I follow up. At workshops I give students information and provide my contact details, asking them to reach out to me if they need help going through the steps again or if they have any question. To be honest, having to support people outside religious settings with achieving their goals has taught me to not give superficial or vague responses like - "My friend, I just prayed and God did it." For the most part of it, to me, those kind of testimonies are only good for religious publicity not community benefit and hardly motivate me to take action. Finding dependable support in people proactive​ and willing to walk me through all their steps makes learning about their goals more exciting and knowledgeable. I realized that I have felt much better and comfortable with relationships of people willing to guide me through accomplishing what they have accomplished rather than just announcing their goals to me.

• Addressing unplanned and unconscious achievements: For those who focus on the traditional and planned style of goal setting, their definition of success or failure most times is dependent on achieving what’s listed. Recently, I have chosen to focus my definition of success on things I didn’t plan or expect, yet happened positively for me. It allows me to reflect deeper and think more positively about my experience of the year with curiosity and anticipation of the experiences that next year holds which I can’t plan or prepare for.

 

• Exhaustion informs you: I am learning to reward myself, especially on the days of exhaustion. I have come to conclude that while I may not achieve something extremely significant, maybe for the week or the day, if I am exhausted at the end of the day or week, it is because I did something meaningful. Sometimes, things move so fast that we fail to acknowledge even our efforts, and I realized that besides my exhaustion being a signal of my body needing rest, it is a signal that I did something effortful and praiseworthy. Not all fatigue is good, and sometimes it could be health-related issues or a sign that you are putting too much effort into the wrong things – so look out for these. However, it is an opportunity to inform you about yourself, remind you of your actions, reflect on your existence, and effort for the most part of it.

 
This post is not to shame you for the traditional year-end/start style of goal setting if that works for you. But for some of us who have chosen otherwise, consider this a secret support group where I can say: I feel you, and I understand. Goal setting is proper but goal setting isn’t the same for everybody. It is never a one-size fit all format that anyone should feel pressured to follow. So, forgive yourself for not writing that list when the church asks you this year if another method of goal setting works for you or just do it and ignore it. I think rather than just doing what everyone does yearly, why not discover what works for you or what makes you feel good about goal setting? Why not be honest with yourself about what makes you feel bad about goal setting?

If you ask, this year has been a successful one for me. Right now, I do not feel any pressure to start listing out what I achieved or didn't achieve - instead, I have started taking action to plan towards some tasks I want to complete next year. I am focusing on improving my readiness for the opportunities I estimate that life could offer rather than boxing myself to a list of things (outcomes) in the name of "goal setting." Most importantly, I do not feel the pressure to compare myself or accomplishments with anyone else. If at the end of this year, someone who tried the traditional style of goal-setting is bragging to me about their goals/testimonies, except if I am truly interested in engaging, I'll take the pleasure of sitting quietly and just being at peace that I did things my own way and it worked for me too.

I am a serial goal non-achiever when I box myself or my anticipation of the year with a list. But outside and without that list, I am a bird - flying with many colors, a badass at peace within myself, and an incomparable success!

PS. I quietly add my achievements to LinkedIn just for my professional documentation and personal references.